Celebrating the gift of life,
Erin
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( 2.5 / 93 )I just completed a 36-hour fast, from midnight Friday night thru noon today. It was not the first time I had fasted, but I think it was the most difficult one I have ever done. By Saturday afternoon, I was hungry, tired, and GRUMPY. I so badly wanted to give in and just eat, or at the very least, burrow into a cocoon and sleep until it was time to eat again. My flesh was screaming out for me to fulfill its desires. Each time I would try to focus my mind on the Lord, I got distracted by something else. There was a lot going on yesterday-- just enough to keep me from completely dedicating my time to prayer and worship, but not enough to keep my mind from reminding me of all the things I was depriving myself of.
I learned a lot from this fast.
-I enjoy food... a lot... too much, I think. When the absence of food becomes a major distraction for me, I feel like that is not a good sign.
-I'm selfish. I want what I want when I want it, and usually in my world I can have that. So, when I choose not to indulge in every desire I have, my flesh gets super angry.
-I don't have very good self-control. Yes, I managed to go 36 hours without eating, but it took every ounce of self-control I could muster.
-I'm not sure I am really and truly willing to sacrifice for my Lord. I say I am... I say I will follow wherever He leads... that I'm willing to live a simple life without an abundance of things... that as long as I'm in the presence of the Holy Spirit, I don't need anything else. But, in reality, I could barely go 36 hours without food.
-I am weak. In my own strength, I can do nothing. I must rely upon God to be my strength. Weakness is often looked down upon in our society, yet it is through the weakest vessel that God can be the most glorified. When I think I can do things on my own, I am not allowing the Spirit of God to truly work in my life.
-I'm not satisfied with the place I am in. I want to grow, to get past this place where I am controlled by my desires instead of by the Holy Spirit dwelling within me.
I think I will be fasting more frequently in the weeks and months to come. I feel like it was really good for me to go through that struggle. I hope the next time I fast, it will be a little easier to control "ME" and focus on "HIM". There are certainly plenty of things in this world of mine to pray and fast over, but I become blinded to them when my focus is on myself.
What about you? Do you fast? What has God taught you through these moments of sacrifice? I'd love to hear your stories! Let's strive together to know Jesus better!
-Erin Mae
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( 2.9 / 43 )I have been grappling with so many things lately. My heart is heavy and burdened with my own struggles against sin, with brokenness for the hurting around me, and with questions about my future. The battle is raging within me, and too often of late I feel like my own stupid, selfish flesh is coming out victorious. And why? I know the power of God within me-- the victory is mine in Him. Yet the battle continues to rage, and I am tired of fighting. I feel weak and even despairing. I hate this place.
I want to dig into the Word; yet so often I do not even crack it open for five minutes.
I want to give all the glory for every good thing in my life to Jesus; yet I continue finding myself craving the praise of man and thriving on it.
I want to live a life of purity and righteousness; yet I find myself living in compromise.
I want to give sacrificially out of every beautiful gift I have been given, but I find myself holding tightly to the wealth.
I want to trust God completely for my future and the plans He has for me; yet I find myself living in fear and questioning.
I want to serve God all the days of my life; yet I find myself enslaved to my schedule and too busy to lend a helping hand or a listening ear.
I want to walk in humility, completely surrendered to my Lord Jesus; yet I am a selfish pig, completely obsessed with my own longings and desires.
~Oh God, I feel ashamed to even show my face. I am not worthy of You. I am not worthy of Your love! Do You see how I have spit on Your face? How I have turned my back on You and walked my own direction? Oh wretched woman that I am! Will You forgive me? Can we start all over again? What is this grace You give, which tells me "yes" and receives me with arms outstretched time and time again? Oh, thank You Father! For I am undeserving. Yet, I choose today not to wallow in self-pity... not to linger long in the Valley of Doom. Lift me out of the miry clay, that I may rise again to walk in the Calling You have for me. Today, I choose to serve you whole-heartedly and love you the best I know how, my God and my Father! Yes, the battle is raging, but MY KING is VICTORIOUS! Amen!
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( 2.9 / 82 )Well, I had my follow-up check-up with my oncologist today. Everything is all clear. I see him again in 6 months. Also exciting in my world of pathetically small and rolly veins, both the CT tech and lab tech hit my veins on the FIRST stick with no digging! It's a record. The lab girls told me it was my lucky day... I should go buy a lottery ticket. I did not, but I did praise Jesus for a very happy day!
This month marks 2 years of being CANCER FREE!!! PRAISE GOD! JUMP UP AND DOWN! DANCE A JIG! yeah, I'm excited.
It was good to see my friends in the lab and cancer center again. While sometimes I wish I didn't have memories of fighting cancer, I thank God for the lessons I learned and the people I met. I have been working on compiling a book based on my blogs/journals during my cancer treatments. As I look back at God's provision in so many little things... His tender love and care for me... the ups and downs through which He remained ever-faithful... I am greatful for the experience. God is good. All the time. For real. And today in particular, I am finding abundant reasons to give Him praise!
P.S. A great big THANK YOU to everyone who has faithfully prayed for me over the last 2 1/2 years. I wouldn't be here today without you!
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( 3.1 / 85 )[I know I have not posted a blog here in a long time, but I'm hoping to get back into the habit of posting short tid-bits about the things God is laying on my heart. If you would like to receive regular updates about my music, please sign up for our email list at www.ScenicRoots.com Thanks!]
Today, I found this prayer from A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God which is the cry of my heart for the next year. I pray it will resonate with you as well. I would also like to mention that my 2-year check-up with my cancer doctor on Wednesday. Prayers would be appreciated for a clear scan!
Oh God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. Oh God, I want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee. Amen.
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