Erin's Musings - The Battle Within: a moment of transparency

The Battle Within: a moment of transparency

Monday, February 1, 2010, 12:02 AM
Posted by Erin

I have been grappling with so many things lately. My heart is heavy and burdened with my own struggles against sin, with brokenness for the hurting around me, and with questions about my future. The battle is raging within me, and too often of late I feel like my own stupid, selfish flesh is coming out victorious. And why? I know the power of God within me-- the victory is mine in Him. Yet the battle continues to rage, and I am tired of fighting. I feel weak and even despairing. I hate this place.

I want to dig into the Word; yet so often I do not even crack it open for five minutes.
I want to give all the glory for every good thing in my life to Jesus; yet I continue finding myself craving the praise of man and thriving on it.
I want to live a life of purity and righteousness; yet I find myself living in compromise.
I want to give sacrificially out of every beautiful gift I have been given, but I find myself holding tightly to the wealth.
I want to trust God completely for my future and the plans He has for me; yet I find myself living in fear and questioning.
I want to serve God all the days of my life; yet I find myself enslaved to my schedule and too busy to lend a helping hand or a listening ear.
I want to walk in humility, completely surrendered to my Lord Jesus; yet I am a selfish pig, completely obsessed with my own longings and desires.

~Oh God, I feel ashamed to even show my face. I am not worthy of You. I am not worthy of Your love! Do You see how I have spit on Your face? How I have turned my back on You and walked my own direction? Oh wretched woman that I am! Will You forgive me? Can we start all over again? What is this grace You give, which tells me "yes" and receives me with arms outstretched time and time again? Oh, thank You Father! For I am undeserving. Yet, I choose today not to wallow in self-pity... not to linger long in the Valley of Doom. Lift me out of the miry clay, that I may rise again to walk in the Calling You have for me. Today, I choose to serve you whole-heartedly and love you the best I know how, my God and my Father! Yes, the battle is raging, but MY KING is VICTORIOUS! Amen!

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